A Good Word for Parents

This story is included in a book I’m reading called Organic Community, and it has so much truth in it for parents, I thought I’d pass it along. If you haven’t been there already, you will likely find yourself there at some point. Stay the course, you’re doing great!

Denise VanEck says this in a sermon titled “The Ache of a Mother”:

“What was it like for [Eve] as she had that second baby? Did she expect him to be exactly like the first one? What were her assumptions? What were her expectations? What was it like for Eve the first time that she looked at her little boy and thought to herself, ‘I could give you life, but I can’t decide what it is. I can’t decide who you are.’

“I think all of us moms when we have our babies, we know that they are going to be themselves; they are going to be an individual. But at some level we still believe that we can control that person and who they are. I remember the moment for me when I had to learn this lesson.

“Steven was [in] about the fourth grade, and I had always thought Steve would be my little blonde baseball player — I thought he’d be the little blonde builder like his dad. And so I was always buying him trucks, and trains, and all those boy toys and even though he’d play with them, what he really gravitated toward was the crayons, and the paints, and the clay.

“And so by the fourth grade Steve realized that he wanted to be an artist when he grew up, and in order to be an artist he was going to need to study art in Paris. He also realized that he only had about eight more years to get ready.

“So he started growing his hair out long, and he bought himself a beret, and then he begged me to spend twenty dollars on ‘Your First Thousand Words in French.’

“Steve grows his hair. Pretty soon it’s long enough for a ponytail. And this back in the ’80s — this was back when the big movement in the public school systems was the whole self-esteem movement. So I get a call one day from Steve’s teacher.

“I dutifully go in and the principal is there, and the teacher is there. They say, ‘Mrs. VanEck, we’re very worried about Steve. All the kids tease him about his long hair, his ponytail, and his beret. We think you should get his hair cut.’

“At that point, I thought there was God and the principal, and if [the principal] told you you had to do something, you had to do it. So I did!

“I made an appointment and he went off to get the haircut. I sat in the waiting room and finally I decided I needed to go back there and check on how this was going.

“The woman was just finishing this really hideous mullet. [She] turns him around slowly in the chair to face me, and I’m thinking, ‘Oh, he’s going to love his new haircut!’ But as she turned him around and I looked at his face, what I saw instead was was one tear, dripping down his cheek.

“And in that moment everything changed for me as a mom, because that was the moment that I realized that being a mother is more about discovery than it is control. That I had not just gotten my son a really bad haircut — I had violated him. I had violated who he was, I had violated his dreams, I had violated his sense of himself.

“And I realized in that moment that I really needed to learn who this little person was. My job wasn’t to just buy him baseball caps because that’s who I thought that he should be. My job was to make him everything that he could be.”



1 Comment

  1. kandacenoelle

    Such wisdom. In the moment, I hope I remember.

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